i feel super lousy.

at 6pm, i was contemplating whether to go for training or not. not because i'm lazy, rather, i don't feel like i'm in a good condition to perform well during training and i promised to have dinner with my family today.

still, i went down for training. yes my dad fetched me to school.

2.4km time trial. my timing sucks big time. 12.48, what kind of lousy shyte is that. i still have the energy to sprint my 200m, obvioulsy shows that i could have given more during the previous rounds. the only thing i used to console myself was, well you just did a full marathon the day before. but then again, lousy is lousy stop giving yourself excuses. arghs.

that was not it. pool slot for me, was the worst time i had in canoe polo so far. my passing sucks, shooting sucks, dribbling sucks, sprinting sucks, everything sucks. feel like shyte.

"look where you are shooting!"
"take your opponent now!"
"come on, mark your opponent!"

got shouted at by the seniors almost once every 10mins. like RAHH. i'm trying my best but i don't know what the hell is wrong with me. i was really so fustrated with myself.

during the game against nus team 1, i felt like i was the weakest link. correction: i am the weakest link. the sprints, dribbles and drills drained me out totally. i felt so useless during the game.

while chasing loose ball, someone's paddle hit me and i got a cut on my thumb. then, a ball came and hit me hard on my helmet. next while attacking, another person rammed into me and hit me hard on my right side, i lost my footing on the footrest and it was like ouch. double ouch. i was so on the verge of crying. i felt like an asshole playing in the team.

and to top it off, i was screamed and shouted at. but no i'm not complaining. i deserved it because i simply wasn't doing well.

sometimes, i really wonder why do i put myself through all these. trainings after trainings, runs after runs. having to listen to my mum's constant naggings, all the shin splints and loose ankles and etc. the list goes on.

to my mum, i'm just so sorry that i'm not the kind of girl that you will wish i am. i'm just different. you can continue to nag at me, i will still do what i want to do. you can nag at me after every trainings, i will still carry on with it. you don't have to give me your full support in everything that i do, you don't have to reward me for training hard, you don't have to smile at me when i come back home after a long day. but i don't need you to nag at me after a lousy training session, after a full marathon, after a really long and tiring day, after a bad day when everyone seems to be against me. you don't have to rub it in and worsen it. can't you see that i'm already feeling so down and all i need is a little love, at the right time.

i need to pull up my socks and prove to everyone that i'm a good player. i have less than 3 weeks to do it.

i will not be the weakest link and i don't want to be the player that causes the team to lose.

like i say before, its just not me to throw in the towel and say, i quit. i will work doubly hard just to get to that level.

will go down to pc to brush up my skills, techniques, rolls and whatever. i will earn the recognition.

fall down and stand up again.

anyway, i'm like oh-so-jealous because my tbc were out having fun when i was out there training. you guys should have have seen my face. totally a no smile at all. rahh. i also want to play.